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  one I’d dreamed while awake?

  Three days ago, the only boy

  on my mind was Justin.

  He was a dream too. A safe dream.

  Safe, because he was unattainable,

  something to adore from afar.

  Like a snow-drenched mountain

  or an evening star.

  But what about Derek?

  Journal Entry, March 26

  Derek Colthorpe

  told me

  I’m pretty.

  At least

  I think

  that’s what

  he told

  me.

  Pretty?

  Me?

  And he

  told me

  he’d see

  me on

  Monday.

  Do

  I

  dare

  believe

  him?

  I Didn’t Dare

  Hurt seemed too likely,

  so on Monday I didn’t

  go looking for him.

  I was a campus loner,

  anyway, walking solo

  between classrooms,

  eating lunch with my sister.

  Imagine my surprise

  when he found me

  at the noon break.

  He smiled at Jackie.

  Hi. Then he turned to me.

  Can I talk to you

  for a minute?

  You should have seen

  Jackie’s face as the two

  of us started away.

  Derek steered me toward

  a quiet spot. Pattyn,

  I know I’m not exactly

  your type…

  He wasn’t my type?

  Where could this

  be going but bad?

  What I mean is, I’m

  not a Mormon.

  Maybe we’re nothing

  alike at all…

  Understatement!

  He was Chateaubriand.

  I was hamburger.

  He reached out

  and touched my cheek.

  But I’d really like

  to see you again.

  Not Sure

  Whether it was his words

  or his touch, but my face scorched.

  So of course I came up with a really

  great line. “Why?”

  Derek’s smile narrowed.

  Does that mean no?

  I shook my head. “No.

  I just need to know why.”

  I don’t know…because you’re

  smart and funny and…

  Funny as in witty?

  Or as in entertaining?

  …and you’re not trying

  to impress anyone.

  Mostly because I didn’t

  know I could impress anyone.

  I happen to like you, Pattyn

  Isn’t that a good enough reason?

  It was the perfect reason.

  “I like you, too, Derek.”

  Okay, then. Friday night?

  Brent’s having a party.

  A party? How could I

  possibly swing that?

  Derek misunderstood my dazed look.

  Second thoughts already?

  “No, it’s not that…

  not that at all….”

  You sure? ’Cause maybe this

  will change your mind….

  He Kissed Me

  Not

  an over-the-top,

  hard

  demanding

  kiss, not even

  a kiss hinting

  passion.

  No tongue, no spit,

  just a

  sweet first

  kiss, Derek’s

  soft

  full lips

  gifting mine with a gentle

  caress.

  I thought I’d die on the spot.

  (Later I wished I had.)

  He Held My Hand

  As he walked me back to where

  Jackie still sat, doe-eyed.

  Amazed.

  He didn’t know, but Jackie

  did, that I was someone new.

  Reborn.

  The bell rang and he promised

  to find me later.

  Stunned,

  I watched him go as Jackie

  demanded, What happened?

  Numb,

  I wanted to tell her everything,

  and I wanted to keep it all to myself,

  frozen

  inside, a perfect point of light

  to focus on when everything fell dark.

  As, of course, it must.

  But I Told Her

  A. She wouldn’t let me keep it secret and

  B. I couldn’t keep something as incredible as that all to myself.

  Jackie was almost as excited as I was.

  He kissed you? Oh, Patty! He’s so cute!

  She even helped me hatch a plan to get out

  of the house on Friday.

  There’s a Ward dance on Friday. He can

  pick you up there.

  I hardly ever went to Ward dances. Transportation

  was always an issue.

  Mom can drop you off. We’ll tell her you

  have a ride home.

  Who knew my sister could be so devious?

  And who knew if her plan would work?

  It Worked Great

  You see, coed church functions

  were meant to relieve the teen

  hormonal thing, with close

  enough supervision

  to assure the chastity thing.

  I’m glad you want to go,

  Mom said. It’s about time

  you discovered boys.

  If only she knew! Should she

  know? Part of me felt guilty

  that I hadn’t confided. The smarter

  part told me to keep my mouth

  clamped tight. “What about Dad?”

  Don’t you worry about

  your father. Even he knows

  you have to grow up sometime.

  Growing up was one thing.

  Discovering boys yet another.

  But lying about the basic “who, when,

  and where” was fundamentally wrong.

  Did I have another choice?

  A nice young man is in God’s

  plans for you. Your father and I

  can’t argue with that.

  Now Mom spoke for God. Did

  He define “nice young man”

  as an LDS boy with a testimony?

  And would my parents argue

  when I told them I wanted more?

  And you’re never going to find

  that young man sitting around

  the house every Friday night.

  Valid point, one I wouldn’t argue

  with, though I might have before.

  I had my way out, my pass

  to Brent’s party. What would

  happen after that, I had no clue.

  Journal Entry, April 1

  Went to a party at Brent’s

  last night. Okay, more like a

  drink-smoke-and-make-out fest.

  But, hey, I was with Derek,

  and for the first time in my life,

  people looked at me with respect.

  Maybe even envy.

  The Ward dance started at seven.

  Derek picked me up at eight.

  By nine, he had convinced me

  to try a sip of his beer. “Jesus

  turned water into wine, didn’t He?”

  True, but Jesus had little to do

  with LDS doctrine.

  Still, I’d considered the possibility

  all week. I’m probably already damned,

  for dating a nonbeliever. What could a sip—

  or three or four—of beer hurt?

  Odd taste, not great, but drink

  enough, who cares?

  Loose. I let loose. Not all the way


  loose, but I laughed at not-real-funny

  jokes and let Derek pull me up into

  his lap. And when he kissed me,

  I full-on kissed back.

  I even let his hands wander.

  At first I said no, of course.

  I really thought I wasn’t at all

  that kind of girl.

  Guess what.

  I am!

  He was good, too. First he rubbed

  my back. Then he lifted my hair

  and kissed my neck, and I’ve never

  had goose bumps like that before.

  Then he slid his hands around

  the front of me, lifting my breasts

  and touching my nipples.

  I wouldn’t let him go under my blouse,

  but even over my clothes,

  the way he made my body

  feel is hard to describe.

  Alive.

  On edge.

  In need.

  In danger of spontaneous combustion.

  Virtue was the last thing on my mind.

  Then his watch beeped. Eleven.

  Early to leave, but I wasn’t allowed

  at that ball, anyway.

  Derek took me home, and as we

  kissed a very long good-bye,

  I hoped everyone was asleep

  so I’d be immune to questions.

  Everyone was, except Jackie.

  She wanted every last detail.

  But how could I tell her all

  she wanted to know without

  admitting a crisis in faith?

  I’d Done It

  Lied

  my way out of the house.

  Cheated

  certain punishment.

  Stolen

  moments with Derek

  invaded

  every waking thought,

  infiltrated

  every dream.

  April passed like water

  lost

  in a downriver flow.

  Struggling

  to remain pure,

  surrendering

  ground to instinct,

  upsetting

  the scheme of things,

  forgetting

  more and more

  my feminine role.

  I’d Like to Tell You

  I’d fallen head over heels in love

  with Derek. I did feel something, but

  it wasn’t the hearts and flowers

  kind of love in my

  dog-eared

  books.

  Looking back, it seems I should

  have been in love with him. We did

  all the things two people in

  love were supposed

  to do. Maybe

  more.

  I wanted to be with him all the

  time, wanted the taste of his lips

  on mine, his roaming fingers

  on my hungry skin. His

  fire to thaw

  my ice.

  But, though I was very much in lust

  with him, I knew from the start we

  were nothing like “forever.”

  Maybe because forever

  is such a scary

  place.

  Love or Lust

  The need to be with Derek was intense.

  Before school. During school.

  After school. Instead of school. Saturdays.

  Friday evenings, when I could.

  I suppose I got careless about

  who knew. And how much they knew.

  Brent and Melina tolerated the tryst;

  sometimes we rode quads together.

  Justin and Tiffany mostly ignored us,

  unless it was Derek’s turn to score beer.

  Becca and Emily pretended interest.

  Later, I found out why.

  Ms. Rose winked and slipped me her

  personal copy of Sappho’s Leap.

  Hand in hand with her new boyfriend,

  Carmen flashed smiles. Evil smiles.

  I kept thinking once everyone got

  used to the idea, things would come easier.

  But Everything Came Harder

  Seminary.

  Sacrament meetings.

  Sunday rituals.

  Too many questions,

  not enough answers.

  Where did free will fit here?

  Homerooms.

  Classrooms.

  Crowded hallways.

  No place to hide to feed

  the growing hunger.

  Derek’s. And mine.

  Kitchen duty.

  Diaper duty.

  Daughterly duty.

  Too many “had to”s,

  left not enough time

  for “want to”s.

  Honesty.

  Sobriety.

  My virginity.

  No way to regain

  the first two, I almost

  gave away the last.

  One Problem with Alcohol

  Is the more you drink it

  the more you want it.

  If a little lets you forget

  a bit of your pain,

  more lets you crawl into

  a fuzzy space where

  nothing hurts at all. Amen.

  Saturdays became drinking

  days—don’t think the irony

  is one iota lost on me.

  Derek would meet me in

  the desert, painkiller in

  hand. First beer, then hard

  stuff. The only thing I insisted

  on was no Johnnie WB.

  Okay, it’s a weird psychology

  but something inside of me

  maintained only Johnnie

  could hook me for good.

  The higher I got, the harder

  it got to hang on to my jeans.

  Derek was skillful, coloring

  his need to look like desire,

  like I was all he’d ever wanted.

  But every time I came really

  close to just giving in, I

  saw faces: Our bishop, reciting,

  Better to die defending your

  virtue than to live having lost

  it without a struggle.

  Brother Prior, A true Mormon

  would rather bury a child

  than see her lose her chastity.

  My dad, I’ll kill the first

  SOB who lays a hand on you.

  He Almost Got His Chance

  The first Saturday in May.

  I’d gone for my usual “target practice,”

  which by then, of course, meant an

  overheated session with Derek.

  By noon, we had downed a half pint

  of tequila, my buttons were askew,

  and Derek was trying to escape

  his zipper when I noticed

  a lone figure

  striding our way.

  The purposeful gait was familiar.

  “Derek, I think that’s my dad.”

  We struggled to straighten

  our clothes. Stashed the bottle.

  Derek fished in his pocket for

  breath mints as I picked up

  the rifle, took aim at nothing

  and let go a round.

  Shootin’ sand,

  little girl?

  My head spun from mescal and

  jumping up too quickly.

  I felt my face drain from red

  to white. Derek’s stayed red.

  Aren’t you going

  to introduce us?

  “Sorry! Dad, this is my friend

  Derek. He was, uh, riding his quad

  and he heard me shooting. I’ve

  been giving him tips.”

  Riding your quad

  and what else, boy?

  Nothing, sir. Not a thing.

  It’s good to meet you, Mr. Von

  Stratten. Patty has told

  me a lot about you.

  Did she tell you I named
/>   her Pattyn?

  Embarrassment branded my

  cheeks. “Please be civil, Dad.”

  Dad looked at me like

  I’d flat gone crazy.

  Civil? You’re out here

  alone, doing God knows what…

  Could he smell the tequila?

  Were my buttons crooked?

  “We were just shooting

  targets…” I tried.

  I’ve heard all about

  the two of you….

  I swear, as I watched, Dad’s

  eyes grew black. Black.

  No more denial. “Okay,

  we’ve been dating.”

  Interesting word for

  what you’ve been doing.

  You’re finished here. Let’s go.

  Dad pulled me away. I glanced

  back over my shoulder.

  Derek shrugged, then

  started his quad.

  Damn good thing I

  didn’t catch you in the act.

  You’d both be dead.

  My Friends Were Spies

  Okay, maybe not exactly spies,

  but Becca told her mom

  about Derek and me.

  Her mom, a notorious gossip,

  spread the word at her

  bridge club.

  Sister Hobart soaked up

  the news and came

  blabbing to my mom.

  My mom, who knew I’d

  been seeing someone, was

  shocked he wasn’t Mormon.

  Mom asked Bishop Crandall

  for advice. He said to tell Dad,

  then bring me in for counseling.

  And that’s why the next day at

  sacrament meeting everyone made it