Burned Read online

  Praise for Ellen Hopkins’s books

  Crank

  “Powerful and unsettling.” —Kirkus Reviews

  The poems are masterpieces of word, shape, and pacing . . . a stunning portrayal of a teens loss of direction.” —School Library Journal

  “Readers won’t soon forget smart, sardonic Kristina.” —Booklist

  A New York Times bestselling book

  Burned

  Troubling but beautifully written.” —Booklist

  Sharp and heartbreaking.” —Kirkus Reviews

  “A compelling and emotional story told in a unique way” —VOYA

  An ALA Best Books for Young Adults nominee

  Impulse

  A fast, jagged, hypnotic read.” —Kirkus Reviews

  “Mature fans of the verse format will devour this hefty problem novel.” —School Library Journal

  By book’s end, readers may well feel the effects of each protagonists final choice.” —Publishers Weekly

  A New York Times bestselling book

  Also by Ellen Hopkins

  Crank

  Impulse

  Glass

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  SIMON PULSE

  An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division

  1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

  www.SimonandSchuster.com

  Copyright © 2006 by Ellen Hopkins

  All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

  SIMON PULSE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  Also available in a Margaret K. McElderry Books hardcover edition.

  Designed by Sammy Yuen Jr.

  The text of this book was set in Caledonia.

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  First Simon Pulse edition October 2007

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

  Hopkins, Ellen.

  p. cm.

  Summary: Seventeen-year-old Pattyn, the eldest daughter in a large Mormon family, is sent to her aunt’s Nevada ranch for the summer, where she temporarily escapes her alcoholic, abusive father and finds love and acceptance, only to lose everything when she returns home.

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4169-0354-3 (he)

  ISBN-10: 1-4169-0354-2 (he)

  [1. Family problems—Fiction. 2. Mormons—Fiction. 3. Alcoholism—Fiction. 4. Identity—Fiction. 5. Sex—Fiction. 6. Aunts—Fiction. 7. Nevada—Fiction.] I. Title.

  PZ7.H7747Bu 2006

  [Fie]—dc22 2005032461

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4169-0355-0 (pbk)

  ISBN-10: 1-4169-0355-0 (pbk)

  eISBN-13: 978-1-43910-657-0

  This book is dedicated to my exceptional editor and support

  system, Julia Richardson. With special thanks to Kathleen Jones,

  who found the courage to forge her own path, and without

  whose help this book would not have been as accurate a glimpse

  of a young woman struggling with her religion.

  Contents

  Did You Ever

  I’m Not Exactly Sure

  See, the Library

  I Met Her My Freshman Year

  Fantasy Segued into Darker Dimensions

  I Began

  I Also Began to Journal

  Ms. Rose Had Other Ideas

  I Wasn’t Sure What She Meant

  Justin Proud

  I Suppose That’s the Kind of Thing

  Seven Girls

  One Time, One Day

  In My View, Having Babies

  Regardless

  Silly Me

  Somehow, I Couldn’t Reconcile

  Oh Yes

  But Neither Becca

  Did They Know

  Later, However

  Maybe It Was the “Shall”

  Journal Entry, March 23

  The Next Day in Chemistry Lab

  Justin Sauntered Over

  Zap!

  Daydreams Bite

  Timing Was Poor

  As I Approached the Shed

  The Long Pause

  I Sort of Remember

  I Wasn’t Sure Which Dad

  Not Dad’s Fault

  But It Only Takes One Leg

  One Thing Already Decided

  I Started to Sing

  Even Without Dad

  But on That Night

  When the House Fell Quiet

  After a While, She Asked

  That Made Me Think

  Which Brought Me Up Short

  I Tried Asking Him Once

  I Slithered Out of Bed

  He Made Me Carry My Own Gun

  After That

  Killing Bunnies

  If You’ve Never Shot a Gun

  By the Time

  On That Saturday

  I Thought About That

  Justin Took Off His Helmet

  He Was Making Tiffany Nervous

  We Had Fun

  I Barely Flinched

  Derek Wasn’t Exactly Justin

  We Laughed at the Old Joke

  After a While

  With His Arm Around Me

  Almost Four!

  No Spare Helmet

  He Dropped Me Off

  When I Got Home

  Later On

  I Pondered That

  Journal Entry, March 26

  I Didn’t Dare

  Not Sure

  He Kissed Me

  He Held My Hand

  But I Told Her

  It Worked Great

  Journal Entry, April 1

  I’d Done It

  I’d Like to Tell You

  Love or Lust

  But Everything Came Harder

  One Problem with Alcohol

  He Almost Got His Chance

  My Friends Were Spies

  I Thought Dad’s Rant Was Bad

  Censored

  Journal Entry, May 7

  Turned Out

  Dismissed

  I Wasn’t in Love with Derek

  I’d Never Been to the Office

  Communication

  A Week Went By

  I Followed Carmen and Derek

  What I Did Was…

  It Was Just a Hairline Fracture

  For Once

  She Screamed

  If I’d Have Known Then

  Later, Bishop Crandall Dropped By

  Journal Entry, May 18

  Dad Dropped the Bomb

  I Didn’t Want to Go

  East from Carson City

  So I Ventured

  So I Argued

  Halfway

  That Was the Closest to Human

  We Hit Caliente Around Four

  Aunt Jeanette Lived

  I’m Not Sure Why

  I’m Not Sure Why

  Aunt Jeanette’s Ranch

  We Followed Her Inside

  At Dinner

  Journal Entry, May 27

  Dad Motored Off

  The First Week or So

  I Did—and I Didn’t

  Next Day, I Found Out

  Aunt J Figured

  Journal Entry, June 6

  The Next Morning

  What Had Happened to Me

  After Breakfast

  The Look on Her Face

  We Started Down

  We Drove Off in Opposite Directions

  Journal Entry, June 7

  On Saturday

  At the Feed S
tore

  He Trailed Aunt J

  See Me Soon?

  Aunt J Knew, Too

  It Seemed Like Forever

  I Was Stunned

  We Went Inside

  Journal Entry, June 10

  I Thought About Ethan a Lot

  Tuesday Evening

  After He Left

  I Didn’t Know

  The Morning After

  By Friday Afternoon

  No Way Off That Horse

  Ethan Helped Me

  If He Thought I Was Nuts

  Half of Me Said Yes

  Journal Entry, June 16

  I Tend to Overanalyze

  Another Ugly Story

  I Didn’t Even Know

  One Question Wouldn’t Go Away

  Sleep Came Hard

  The Next Morning Before Dawn

  We Saddled Up

  Personally, I Took Notice of Ethan

  But Aunt J Had Other Plans

  We Stoked the Campfire

  Ethan Propped Himself

  It Was the Kiss You Dream About

  But He Didn’t Try to Escalate

  I Awoke

  Shorter Because Aunt J

  Without Cattle to Keep Track Of

  Closing In on Home

  Back at the Ranch

  As If Reading My Mind

  Journal Entry, June 19

  Ethan Started Stopping By

  Thursday, June 29

  Back to My Birthday

  We Spent More Than a Little

  They Say the World Sees You

  Aunt J Surprised Me Again

  Perfect Hands, Actually

  We Went to a Movie

  I Also Remember the Drive Home

  Even If There Were

  Three Magic Words

  We Agreed Not to Worry

  Aunt J Had Come Out

  The Idea of a Trail Ride

  We Stopped for Lunch

  His Body Settled

  All Hell Broke Loose

  Then He Laughed

  Either Way, We Had No Choice

  We Started for Home Again

  Never Say Never

  Journal Entry, July 1

  After Paprika

  Ethan Agreed

  I Had to Admit

  It Wasn’t Hard

  We Took the 4x4s

  I Didn’t Want to Shout

  Ethan Sprinted Toward Me

  Ethan Didn’t Stay

  The Questions Ran Deeper

  I Lay on the Bed

  Journal Entry, July 2

  Having Decided That

  Ethan Was Right

  So When Ethan Suggested Swimming

  No, We Didn’t Make Love

  People Walked By

  I Cried

  In the Aftermath

  A Couple More Beers

  Journal Entry, July 3

  The Fourth of July

  Eventually

  It Was a Stunning Admission

  Once the Chicken Was Fried

  Independence Day

  I Finally Spotted Ethan

  Ethan’s Dad Gave Me a Hug

  I Wasn’t Sure

  After Stuffing Ourselves

  I Was Dying to Know

  Fireworks

  Ethan Drove Me Home

  Vibrant Singing

  I Wasn’t Quite Ready to Quit

  July Took on a Rhythm

  On Weekends

  So with Ethan’s Blessing

  Toward the End of the Month

  It Was My First Real Tinge

  Of Course, When Ethan Stopped By

  August Rumbled In

  Both Ethan and His Dad

  The Old Pattyn

  The Rest of the Story

  Anger Sweated

  The Letter Ate at Me for Days

  Between That

  Ethan Opened His Arms

  I Thought He’d

  I Made Ethan Promise

  I Didn’t Smile

  Journal Entry, August 14

  Part of That Feeling of Dread

  Time Became the Enemy

  One of Those Times

  One More Thing

  Aunt J Summoned Me Inside

  That Same Day

  Dad Wanted to Come Get Me

  Our Last Night Together

  The Old Pattyn Resurfaced

  I Thought I Knew “Sad”

  We Made the Long Drive

  About Fifteen Minutes

  He Dropped Me Off

  I Got Dad His Ice Cream

  We Both Held Back a Little

  She Respected That Secret

  For Everyone Else

  And Then School Started

  For One Thing

  I Tried to Talk to Ethan

  The First Couple of Weeks

  At Home

  But Then Things Got Tough at Work

  Dumb Idea, Oh Yeah

  Journal Entry, Sep 15

  Dad Took Off Hunting

  Easy Enough

  My Earthly Father

  By the Time I Got Up

  Dad Fired the Next Volley

  The Cougar Pounced

  When He Was Finished

  Jackie Tried to Comfort Me

  I Couldn’t Go to School

  Driving Home

  Now Dad Believed

  Pounding on the Door

  Journal Entry, Oct 7

  On Monday

  By Lunch My Fingernails Were History

  Carmen and Tiffany

  He Wanted Me to Tell

  That Night I Prayed

  I Knew He Was Hurt

  Somehow I Made It

  It Was the Last Thing

  But He Was

  I Was in the Hospital

  When I Finally

  See, as Far as I’m concerned

  Plans Made

  Author’s Note

  PUBLISHER'S NOTE

  This ebook is best read at the smallest font setting on your device.

  Did You Ever

  When you were little, endure

  your parents’ warnings, then wait

  for them to leave the room,

  pry loose protective covers

  and consider inserting some metal

  object into an electrical outlet?

  Did you wonder if for once

  you might light up the room?

  When you were big enough

  to cross the street on your own,

  did you ever wait for a signal,

  hear the frenzied approach

  of a fire truck and feel like

  stepping out in front of it?

  Did you wonder just how far

  that rocket ride might take you?