Identical Read online

  IDENTICAL

  Also by Ellen Hopkins

  Crank

  Impulse

  Burned

  Glass

  Margaret K. McElderry Books

  Margaret K. McElderry Books

  An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division

  1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020

  www.SimonandSchuster.com

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2008 by Ellen Hopkins

  All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Hopkins, Ellen.

  Identical / Ellen Hopkins.—1st ed.

  p. cm.

  Summary: Sixteen-year-old identical twin daughters of a district-court judge and a candidate for the United States House of Representatives, Kaeleigh and Raeanne Gardella desperately struggle with secrets that have already torn them and their family apart.

  eISBN-13: 978-1-4169-8465-8

  ISBN-10: 1-4169-8465-8

  [1. Novels in verse. 2. Family problems—Fiction. 3. Emotional problems—Fiction. 4. Secrets—Fiction. 5. Sexual abuse victims—Fiction. 6. Twins—Fiction. 7. Sisters—Fiction. 8. California—Fiction.] I. Title.

  PZ7.5.H67Ide 2008

  [Fic]—dc22

  2007032463

  Visit us on the World Wide Web:

  http://www.SimonSays.com

  This book is dedicated to Dianne, Karen, and Tracy, dear friends and special women who rose to shine like stars above dark places in their lives.

  With special thanks to Jude, who provided invaluable insight about the psychology of sexual abuse—its victims and victimizers.

  Contents

  Chapter 1: Raeanne

  Mirror, Mirror

  Interesting Question

  One Soul or Two

  But Telling

  Chapter 2: Kaeleigh

  I Wish I Could Tell

  There’s Daddy

  Tell on Me

  We Live in a Fine Home

  But It Really

  I Clearly Recall

  Mom Always Started

  But That Was Before

  Afterward

  No One Else Suspects

  Chapter 3: Raeanne

  Kaeleigh Closes Herself Off

  But Obsessions Are Personal, I Guess

  Numb

  Numb Cannot Fight Such Need

  I Stop in the Girls’ Room

  Mick’s Sexy

  Mick and Marijuana

  Chapter 4: Kaeleigh

  Call Me Powerless

  Ian Is My Best Friend

  This Huge Part of Me

  I Still Haven’t Imploded

  Chapter 5: Raeanne

  Promises Are Meaningless

  Madison Happens to Be

  She’ll Scream Loud Enough

  She Was Mad, Okay

  In Control

  I’ve Got to Learn

  Chapter 6: Kaeleigh

  If Only

  I Work Part-Time

  Greta Is My Faux Grandma

  Once in a While

  This Afternoon

  One Problem About Caring

  Chapter 7: Raeanne

  Mick Picked Me Up

  Like I Care

  My Bedroom Is Dark

  It’s Bone-Chilling Here

  Woven

  The Innocence

  What Came Later

  Chapter 8: Kaeleigh

  Can’t Believe

  Drama Is Last Block

  Not Sure Why

  I Need to Get My License

  The More Immediate Problem

  Not at All

  To Be Fair

  Some Girls I Know

  Chapter 9: Raeanne

  Kind of Funny

  Other Men, Anyway

  Kaeleigh’s Not into Fishing

  No Doubt

  Daddy Isn’t Running

  Queries Fly

  Some Thirtyish Ditz

  Castrated

  Sound Bites Bitten

  Chapter 10: Kaeleigh

  Having Mom Home

  Actually, I’m Hungry

  And Tonight Mom’s Home

  Mom Pours a Glass of Wine

  We Empty Our Glasses

  Out, Where I Should Be

  Chapter 11: Raeanne

  I Called Mick

  There’s a Party

  He Slows

  Needless to Say

  Turns Out

  We Wander into the Woods

  The Guy Knows How

  Chapter 12: Kaeleigh

  My Inner Child

  Daddy Strokes My Cheek

  Not a Creature Is Stirring

  The Old Folks’ Home

  Memory Strikes Suddenly

  I Didn’t Panic Then

  Unlike Everyone Else

  I Want to Talk

  I Go Over to Her

  Chapter 13: Raeanne

  We All Have Demons

  I Guess I Might

  With or Without Love

  But Kicking Ass

  I Just Have to Find It

  I’ll Have to Wait to Use It, Though

  Doing Lunch

  That Was Fun

  Chapter 14: Kaeleigh

  Everyone’s Laughing

  Ian Retaliates

  Eventually

  Not Exactly

  It’s Been a While

  But When It Comes

  And So, Right Now

  It’s Probably Weird

  Sweet Stuff

  The Answering Machine

  My Head Is in the Fridge

  The Impossible News

  Chapter 15: Raeanne

  Rich!

  What a Great Thing

  What Could the Gossip Be?

  Mom Will Want to Know

  Wonder If I Should Be Scared

  How Far Will I Go

  In the Dark

  Mom Was Gone Again

  Kaeleigh Didn’t Know

  That Brought Him Out of His Trance

  She Never Tattled

  Chapter 16: Kaeleigh

  This Morning I Wake

  Am I Sick?

  Totally Humiliated

  Yeah, It Stings

  Ugly Flesh

  Backpack Stuffed

  I Back Up the Hallway

  He Caresses

  The Jeans Rub My Cut

  He Pulls Up

  After That

  Chapter 17: Raeanne

  School Drags Today

  I’m Trying to Avoid

  I Have No Real Right

  As I Move Closer

  Maybe That Wasn’t

  Once Again

  He Announces the Problem

  Do Something?

  This, Too, Could Go

  Unfortunately

  Not Sure Where

  I Rejoin Mick

  Most of the Time

  Chapter 18: Kaeleigh

  PE Today

  Maybe Life Is Random

  It Was Greta

  She Believes That Too

  No Time for a Major Lovefest

  Still Feeling It

  I’m Almost to Work

  No Party Tonight

  Looks Like Love

  Envy Surges

  That Was an Incredibly Bad Scene

  Chapter 19: Raeanne

  Kaeleigh Takes Herself

  But Whatever Created It

  Oh, and Guess What

  Ze
ro to Sixty

  Fun, Ty-Style

  This Is Something New

  Games, Ty-Style

  True to His Word

  I Understand

  Chapter 20: Kaeleigh

  Long Night

  Not Sure Exactly When

  The Clock Agrees

  Do This, Don’t Do That

  But He’s Gone Now

  Brittany, Finally

  Not Being Top

  Flat Barely Describes It

  His Term or Ian’s?

  The Tow Truck Finally Arrives

  Chapter 21: Raeanne

  Life Is Rarely Dull

  Kaeleigh Came Home from School

  One of Kaeleigh’s Regular Binges

  The Worst Part Is

  They Extricate Themselves

  Most People

  Face Washed, Teeth Brushed

  Mom Was Off on a Retreat

  Worse,

  But Tonight Will Be Perv-Free

  Chapter 22: Kaeleigh

  Daddy’s Still Asleep

  Not Right Now, Though

  I Don’t Want to Relive

  Then Again, the Sad Fact Is

  As Expected

  So of Course

  We Actually Arrive

  I File That Away

  Hard Enough

  It Just Slipped

  Saved by the Bell

  I’m Generally Not Big

  Chapter 23: Raeanne

  Glad I’ve Got History Today

  I Swear His Smile

  Am I Sick or What?

  It’s a Game, That’s All

  Cat and Mouse

  I Really Do

  While I Might Taunt Fate

  I Hoof It North

  Rough Play, He Means

  I Triple Promise

  Ty’s Quite Recent Invitation

  He Starts to Turn South

  Chapter 24: Kaeleigh

  I Thought Last Block

  Our Fingers Interlock

  We Have to Unlock

  Ian, Afraid?

  Ian Walks Past Her

  This Afternoon

  Daddy Isn’t Home

  Desire Strikes Like a Cobra

  And I Think

  Speaking of Snakes

  I Walk Ian to His Bike

  My Normal MO

  Notice I Didn’t Say Gone

  Chapter 25: Raeanne

  The Library

  Glad I Wore Jeans Today

  Questions? Yeah, I’ve Got Them

  I Don’t Actually Ask

  Lawler Doesn’t Jerk Away

  Next Time!

  I Watch Him Go

  Coffee Actually Sounds

  I Know Daddy Has Issued

  I’m an Expert Interpreter

  Right Now His Eyes

  Chapter 26: Kaeleigh

  Today Was Incredible

  My Parents Aren’t Real

  Of Course, Maybe Daddy

  Whatever Daddy Did

  Double the Pleasure

  Double the Fun

  I Start to Feel

  What Does Make Him Drink?

  I Regret Everything Immediately

  I So Do Not Deserve Him

  Time For a Chopin Pee

  Not Mental Pain

  New Blade

  I’ve Heard Exsanguination

  Chapter 27: Raeanne

  OM–Effing–G

  Speaking of Souls, Monsters, Etc.

  Daddy and Hannah

  Being

  Sex, Sex, Sex

  First, I Have to Get Through the Day

  I Decide to Act Ignorant

  He Has No Idea

  School Totally Drags

  Lawler Definitely Notices

  Yes, Yes, and…?

  He Gives Me Directions

  The Rest of the Day

  Chapter 28: Kaeleigh

  The Bus Seems Slower

  But Daddy’s Attention

  I Slip Off My Shoes

  I’m Kind of Liking

  I’d Probably Just

  Why Am I Always So Polite?

  His Words

  My Hand Is Turning

  Not Grandma Betty

  A Shadow Falls

  I Don’t Want to Hang Up

  I’m Running Really Late

  I Thank Hannah for the Ride

  Satisfaction

  Chapter 29: Raeanne

  Lawler’s House

  He’s Gone for Over an Hour

  The Doorbell Interrupts

  Seamless

  But Now I Have to Go

  I Know He Has More to Say

  Lawler Pulls Over

  A Man with Morals

  Anyway, Lawler Seems

  Happy Ever After

  Chapter 30: Kaeleigh

  Sunday Morning

  Either Way

  I Was Supposed

  Oh Yeah, Blast from the Past

  I Lay Awake

  Not a Good Time

  I Want to Talk to Ian

  And Still No One’s Awake

  Schizophrenic Me

  Greta’s Tale

  Love, Resurrected

  And Now I See His Face

  Like a Puppy

  Chapter 31: Raeanne

  Home Bitter Home

  Topping Today’s Rant List

  This Is a Rare Opportunity

  Surreal

  Meanwhile, Think I’ll Dive

  Daddy Takes a Gulp

  That Was the Most

  The Topic of Conversation

  She Knows More, of Course

  A Lot of Wine Later

  I Stumble Off to Bed

  Mom Had Been Spending

  No Doubt About It

  Chapter 32: Kaeleigh

  I Can Hardly Wait

  I Am on My Third Bowl of Cereal

  He Hasn’t Asked

  We Are Still Very Close

  I Exit the Kitchen

  All Hope Dissolved

  Fine by Me

  Safe in the Far Stall

  I’m Watching Blood Drip

  With Everyone, That Is

  So, So Mine or Not

  Ian Kills the Motor

  Almost Home

  The House Is Crazy

  Spit Pools

  Chapter 33: Raeanne

  Holy Effing Moly

  The Afternoon’s Drama

  He Picked Up

  Out the Window

  A Half Hour Later

  I Could Just Do It

  The Greed Factor, Again

  The Avalanche Lurches Forward

  How Would That Look on Headline News?

  The Road into Town

  An Hour’s Walk Home

  I Wake to a Hailstorm

  Light Through the Window

  No One Has a Clue

  Chapter 34: Kaeleigh

  The Dreaded Day

  Most of Me

  School Is My Refuge

  I Couldn’t Care Less

  Bling for a Day

  The Afternoon Ticks By

  I Angle Closer

  She’s In Over Her Head

  Daddy Returns

  Just Then Someone Turns Up

  Chapter 35: Raeanne

  By Midnight

  Kaeleigh Has Withdrawn

  I Finally Limp

  The Telephone Wakes Me

  Daddy Grabs the Phone

  Unable to Guess

  The Bad Thing About Fear

  The Bad Thing About Puking Regularly

  Totally Puked Out

  I Dial His Number

  But If Ty Wants Me

  Chapter 36: Kaeleigh

  Three Days

  School Was Crazy

  One Thing Kind of Weird, Though

  At Last the Bus Goes By

  I Try to Keep That in Mind

  I Close My Door

  Soundless as a Shadow

  Back and Forth

  I Want to Shout

  He Says Not a Word

  Both Parts

  Envelo
ped by November Fog

  The First Face I See

  Her Voice Softens

  Oh, How I Want To

  Chapter 37: Raeanne

  IMH (not) O

  I’m Not Even Sure

  Afraid to Die Loveless

  Before the Other Night

  Being Easier

  Any Drugs

  The Biggest Surprise

  But It Isn’t Mick

  Highway 154

  Longing Lunges

  Yes, Every Kiss Is Different

  Ian Moans

  Ian’s Sense

  Chapter 38: Kaeleigh

  Falling

  Tick-Tock

  A Voice

  Another Voice

  I Fall Again

  I Let Out All My Breath

  Damn Footsteps

  Oops, Too Late

  They Move into the Hallway

  Following Through

  Chapter 39: Raeanne

  I Can’t Believe

  Don’t Know

  I Think

  It’s Morning Before He Comes

  Almost a Week

  Daddy Acts

  The Last Time

  He Is a Cold-Hearted Bastard

  Operative Word: Easy

  Between Brittany’s Driving

  We Find the House

  The House Is Small

  He Winces Slightly

  Bam, Sledgehammer

  A Half-Assed Honk

  Ugly Little Movies

  I Should Go Home

  Major Dilemma

  I’m Living Dangerously

  His Place

  Ty’s House

  And the Doorbell Rings

  Mom and Raeanne Away

  I Think I’m Dead

  Chapter 40: Kaeleigh

  I Wish I Were Dead

  Fragments Shards

  At First

  I Tell Her I’ll Think About It

  When I Wake Up

  Take It All Back

  I Stare at the Night Sky

  I’m Still Tired

  When Carol Comes

  That’s All I’m Ready to Give Today

  Tomorrow Isn’t Far Enough Away

  Mom Promises

  I Suppose I Got the Addictive Gene

  I’m Deep into Conversation

  Wow, Ballsy

  Turns Out

  What Do I Have to Live For?

  I Can’t Blame Ian at All

  But I Do Know What Love Is

  Someone’s in My Room

  Must Be a Dream

  Okay, One Thing to Live For

  Daddy Comes to Pick Me Up

  Six Months

  Turned Out

  I Forgave Her

  Drained Dry

  Except for Ian

  I Cringe

  She Is My Real Angel

  Ian Still Doesn’t Know

  I’d Like to Say

  When I Do Those Things

  Chapter 41: Raeanne

  And I’ll Be Watching

  Reading Group Guide

  ‘Perfect’ Teaser

  PUBLISHER'S NOTE

  This ebook is best read at the smallest font setting on your device.

  IDENTICAL

  Raeanne

  Mirror, Mirror

  When I look into a

  mirror,

  it is her face I see.

  Her right is my left, double

  moles, dimple and all.