Impulse Read online

  impulse

  Margaret K. McElderry Books

  An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division

  1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020

  http://www.SimonandSchuster.com

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2007 by Ellen Hopkins

  All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Hopkins, Ellen.

  Impulse / Ellof the Grand Plan.en Hopkins.—1st ed.

  p. cm.

  Summary: Three teens who meet at Reno, Nevada’s Aspen Springs mental hospital after each has attempted suicide connect with one another in a way they never have with their parents or anyone else in their lives.

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4169-7487-1

  ISBN-10: 1-4169-7487-3

  [1. Suicide—Fiction. 2. Mental illness—Fiction. 3. Psychiatric hospitals—Fiction. 4. Interpersonal relations—Fiction. 5. Novels in verse.] I. Title.

  PZ7.H7747Imp 2007

  [Fic]—dc22

  2006007854

  Visit us on the World Wide Web:

  http://www.SimonSays.com

  This book is dedicated to my daughter, Kelly,

  who helps young people like these,

  and to my friend Cheryl,

  who always puts others first.

  Contents

  Chapter 1: Without Warning

  Chapter 2: Suddenly, My Hands

  Chapter 3: Triad

  Chapter 4: The Thread

  Chapter 5: Conner: Arrival

  Chapter 6: At Least

  Chapter 7: I Don’t Remember

  Chapter 8: Tony: Just Saw

  Chapter 9: I Lost My Mind

  Chapter 10: I Wasn’t Worried

  Chapter 11: Vanessa: Cloistered

  Chapter 12: I Hate This Feeling

  Chapter 13: The First Cut

  Chapter 14: Conner: Pain Isn’t the Worst Thing

  Chapter 15: It Doesn’t Seem

  Chapter 16: I Reach

  Chapter 17: Tony: When You Try

  Chapter 18: They Kept Me

  Chapter 19: The Worst Liars

  Chapter 20: Vanessa: I Heard My Brother’s Scream

  Chapter 21: Which Is How I Wound Up Here

  Chapter 22: The Door Opens

  Chapter 23: Conner: Suitcase Emptied

  Chapter 24: Dr. Starr Isn’t Like Dr. Boston

  Chapter 25: Play the Game

  Chapter 26: Tony: I’m Glad I’m an Only Child

  Chapter 27: The Clock Reminds Me

  Chapter 28: We Gather

  Chapter 29: Vanessa: Seven Pairs of Eyes

  Chapter 30: So Why Are His Eyes

  Chapter 31: Forty-five Minutes Later

  Chapter 32: Conner: Brain Poked and Prodded

  Chapter 33: Dismissed by the Bulldog

  Chapter 34: Back in My Room

  Chapter 35: Tony: I Keep Watching

  Chapter 36: One Cut or More?

  Chapter 37: The Grim Reapers

  Chapter 38: Vanessa: Brain Swimming

  Chapter 39: Drowning in Blue

  Chapter 40: I Swallow the Capsule

  Chapter 41: Conner: I Haven’t Let Myself

  Chapter 42: Now That I’ve Opened

  Chapter 43: I Knew None of That Then

  Chapter 44: Tony: Dinner’s a Little Late Tonight

  Chapter 45: But Bloody Cuts and Bruises

  Chapter 46: Mostly Because

  Chapter 47: Vanessa: Thank God

  Chapter 48: I Didn’t Realize It Myself

  Chapter 49: When It Fell

  Chapter 50: Conner: Ten Days Now

  Chapter 51: It Was Our Second Session

  Chapter 52: She Wanted to Know

  Chapter 53: Tony: Today, They Tell Me

  Chapter 54: I Learned a Lot

  Chapter 55: Enough Pond Memories

  Chapter 56: Vanessa: Saturday, Visiting Day

  Chapter 57: She’s Waiting Just Inside

  Chapter 58: Grandma’s Face Drains

  Chapter 59: Conner: Trading Secrets

  Chapter 60: My Escort Arrives

  Chapter 61: No Time to Pigure Her Out Now

  Chapter 62: Tony: Hands Sweating

  Chapter 63: Crossed Fingers

  Chapter 64: I Draw the Line

  Chapter 65: Vanessa: Seeing Grandma

  Chapter 66: Mania Blossoming

  Chapter 67: I Hurried Home That Day

  Chapter 68: Conner: Dr. B Is Psychic?

  Chapter 69: She Set Herself Up

  Chapter 70: I Can’t Believe

  Chapter 71: Tony: I Want to Jump Up

  Chapter 72: A New Problem Pops Up

  Chapter 73: Until I Said It

  Chapter 74: Vanessa: Prozac Can’t Help

  Chapter 75: The Dinner Crowd

  Chapter 76: Tony’s Fists Clench

  Chapter 77: Conner: I Melted Dr. Boston

  Chapter 78: I Just Hope

  Chapter 79: That Explains a Lot

  Chapter 80: Tony: Cardboard Chicken

  Chapter 81: The New Dude

  Chapter 82: Funny How Much

  Chapter 83: Vanessa: It’s Good to Feel Bad

  Chapter 84: Enough Introspection

  Chapter 85: Breakthrough Moment

  Chapter 86: Conner: Ten Minutes to Finish

  Chapter 87: Still Another Part of Me

  Chapter 88: Homophobia Stashed

  Chapter 89: Tony: Amazing

  Chapter 90: I Don’t Doubt That at All

  Chapter 91: An Excellent Observation

  Chapter 92: Vanessa: Credit Where It’s Due

  Chapter 93: I Play It Cool

  Chapter 94: In the Refuge of My Room

  Chapter 95: Conner: Walled in Again

  Chapter 96: Life Isn’t Fair

  Chapter 97: The Memory Stirs Sadness

  Chapter 98: Tony: Sunday Morning

  Chapter 99: Okay, It Sounds

  Chapter 100: I Also Hope

  Chapter 101: Vanessa: I’m Told Level One

  Chapter 102: A Long Flowing Skirt

  Chapter 103: I Sit at the Back

  Chapter 104: Conner: Mandrtandatory Church Services

  Chapter 105: I Sit Beside Vanessa

  Chapter 106: After the Last Amen

  Chapter 107: Tony: Vanessa’s Cutting

  Chapter 108: Level Three Privileges

  Chapter 109: Time to Vacate

  Chapter 110: Vanessa: All This Talk

  Chapter 111: Monday Morning

  Chapter 112: They’re Both in Class

  Chapter 113: Conner: Okay, I Should Have

  Chapter 114: Duplicating Effort

  Chapter 115: Especially in Here

  Chapter 116: Tony: An Odd Thing Happened

  Chapter 117: Anyway, I Don’t Worry

  Chapter 118: Mr. Hidalgo: Clears His Throat

  Chapter 119: Vanessa: Writing Essays

  Chapter 120: The Third Reason Is Mama

  Chapter 121: Mr. Hidalgo Comes Over

  Chapter 122: Conner: Six Weeks in Aspen Springs

  Chapter 123: The Only Way

  Chapter 124: So I’m Pushing Hard

  Chapter 125: Tony: Commotion in the Hall

  Chapter 126: As Todd Is Marched Away

  Chapter 127: Which Takes Me Back

  Chapter 128: Vanessa: I Watch Tony

  Chapter 129: The Funny Thing Is

  Chapter 130
: Speaking of Out There

  Chapter 131: Conner: Now I Could Tell

  Chapter 132: Dr. Starr Jumps Up

  Chapter 133: Not Again

  Chapter 134: Tony: Rumors Travel Fast

  Chapter 135: I Don’t Tell Them

  Chapter 136: Major Insight

  Chapter 137: Vanessa: Just Another Day

  Chapter 138: I Will Admit

  Chapter 139: One Time He Came Home

  Chapter 140: Conner: Tossing and Turning

  Chapter 141: A Voice Rouses Me

  Chapter 142: Nine A.M. Exactly

  Chapter 143: Tony: Breakfast Is Cold

  Chapter 144: I’ve Got My Own

  Chapter 145: But That’s a Different Story

  Chapter 146: Vanessa: Breakfast Is Lousy

  Chapter 147: I Go Back to My Room

  Chapter 148: Five After Eleven

  Chapter 149: Conner: Postcards from Home

  Chapter 150: Did They Even Know

  Chapter 151: Totally Straightforward

  Chapter 152: Tony: Guess My Level Three Status

  Chapter 153: We Left It at That

  Chapter 154: Think I’ll Wander

  Chapter 155: Vanessa: The Cat’s Out of the Bag

  Chapter 156: And Through It All

  Chapter 157: Conner: Nothing’s Different

  Chapter 158: Another Level Three Perk

  Chapter 159: None of It

  Chapter 160: Tony: Spaghetti and Meat Blobs

  Chapter 161: We Decide

  Chapter 162: I Knew He Had

  Chapter 163: Vanessa: It’s the First Time

  Chapter 164: I Guess You Could

  Chapter 165: The Table Busts Up

  Chapter 166: Conner: The Girls’ Side of the Room

  Chapter 167: But I Am Curious

  Chapter 168: Way Too Much Information

  Chapter 169: Tony: What Got into Me?

  Chapter 170: Conner’s Sympathetic

  Chapter 171: Think I’ll Skip

  Chapter 172: Vanessa: TV Tonight

  Chapter 173: Enough Already

  Chapter 174: One Stall, Four Feet

  Chapter 175: Conner: Today We Have a Visitor

  Chapter 176: Flushed to My Core

  Chapter 177: Excite Her?

  Chapter 178: Tony: What Is It

  Chapter 179: I’m Pretty Sure

  Chapter 180: My Ma Picked Me Up

  Chapter 181: Vanessa: Prozac, Lithium, and Conner

  Chapter 182: Those I Have Yet to Create

  Chapter 183: Conner: Ms. Littell Looks Horrified

  Chapter 184: I Also Wonder

  Chapter 185: Guess I’ll Excite Everyone

  Chapter 186: Tony: Whoa, Baby!

  Chapter 187: Mr. Hidalgo Takes Control

  Chapter 188: No Applause

  Chapter 189: Vanessa: Kate Finds Me

  Chapter 190: No Wonder

  Chapter 191: My Own Overdose

  Chapter 192: Conner: Thursday P.M.

  Chapter 193: As I Wait for Her Reply

  Chapter 194: We’re Not Through Yet

  Chapter 195: Tony: Easter Weekend

  Chapter 196: Carmella Bustles In

  Chapter 197: Someone Probably Should

  Chapter 198: Vanessa: Grandma’s House

  Chapter 199: I Go into the Bedroom

  Chapter 200: The Kitchen

  Chapter 201: Conner: Talk About Jumping

  Chapter 202: We Take the Aspen Springs Limo

  Chapter 203: Enough About Giant Bunnies

  Chapter 204: Tony: The Greatest Thing

  Chapter 205: I Sit in Between

  Chapter 206: I Know I Should Wait

  Chapter 207: Vanessa: Bryan and I Rush

  Chapter 208: I’m Glad

  Chapter 209: Later

  Chapter 210: Conner: Dinner Tonight

  Chapter 211: Two Ativans Toward Sleep

  Chapter 212: Easter Sunday Morning

  Chapter 213: Tony: Holy Crap

  Chapter 214: I Doubt That

  Chapter 215: Not Quite Free

  Chapter 216: Vanessa: All Dressed Up

  Chapter 217: Giant Flakes

  Chapter 218: He’s Hard Again Now

  Chapter 219: Conner: Almost May

  Chapter 220: We Hit the Shower

  Chapter 221: It’s Better Than What I’ve Got

  Chapter 222: Tony: I Don’t Tell Conner Everything

  Chapter 223: Apparently, Stanley Does

  Chapter 224: No One Dares Come Between

  Chapter 225: Vanessa: OMG!

  Chapter 226: It’s Weird

  Chapter 227: A Slight Exaggeration

  Chapter 228: Conner: Actually, Dr. Starr

  Chapter 229: But Hey, Guess What

  Chapter 230: Tony Tosses a Jealous Look

  Chapter 231: Tony: Three Days

  Chapter 232: I Wish I Could Be a Mirror

  Chapter 233: A Strange Light

  Chapter 234: Vanessa: Tony Is So Different

  Chapter 235: After a While

  Chapter 236: I Hope So Too

  Chapter 237: Conner: Home Sweet Home

  Chapter 238: She’s Standing

  Chapter 239: Not Exactly a Warm, Fuzzy Welcome

  Chapter 240: Tony: Orientation for the Challenge

  Chapter 241: Meanwhile, Sean and Raven

  Chapter 242: Sean and Raven Leave

  Chapter 243: Vanessa: We’re Up to Our Elbows

  Chapter 244: Fifteen Minutes Later

  Chapter 245: I Said Mama Wasn’t Happy

  Chapter 246: Conner: Tomorrow We’re Off

  Chapter 247: Best?

  Chapter 248: Hands to Guide

  Chapter 249: Tony: Off We Go

  Chapter 250: Eventually, We Turn

  Chapter 251: Before She Can Answer

  Chapter 252: Vanessa: We Stop for Lunch

  Chapter 253: Back on the Road

  Chapter 254: Okay, That Worries Me

  Chapter 255: Conner: I thought I Was Ready

  Chapter 256: And Now, Here’s Vanessa

  Chapter 257: We Stop to Stretch Our Legs

  Chapter 258: Tony: Almost Dark

  Chapter 259: Raven Shows Us

  Chapter 260: Things Swim into Focus

  Chapter 261: Vanessa: Okay, This Is Less

  Chapter 262: I Wander into the Sage

  Chapter 263: Scrunched Down Into

  Chapter 264: Conner: Coyote Booty Calls

  Chapter 265: All’s Quiet

  Chapter 266: Pale Light

  Chapter 267: Tony: After a Scrumptious Breakfast

  Chapter 268: Finally, Sean Gives Each of Us

  Chapter 269: Conner Shoots a Curious Look

  Chapter 270: Vanessa: Buddies with Dahlia

  Chapter 271: Before I Have to Offer Details

  Chapter 272: Two Hours Later

  Chapter 273: Conner: We’ve Been Walking

  Chapter 274: I Decide It Isn’t

  Chapter 275: With a Nod

  Chapter 276: Tony: I Am Firestarter

  Chapter 277: Losing Her

  Chapter 278: Dahlia Bitches Until Bedtime

  Chapter 279: Vanessa: It’s All So Weird

  Chapter 280: Up at Dawn

  Chapter 281: Before Long

  Chapter 282: Conner: Four our Miles

  Chapter 283: We Reach a Place

  Chapter 284: Feet Pointed Sideways

  Chapter 285: Tony: Never Thought I’d See

  Chapter 286: Now I Expect Denial

  Chapter 287: We Hike for Another Hour

  Chapter 288: Vanessa: I Never Knew

  Chapter 289: Justin Goes Second

  Chapter 290: As If to Prove Him Wrong

  Chapter 291: Conner: Feeling Pumped Tonight

  Chapter 292: It Takes a Minute

  Chapter 293: He’s Talking About Phillip

  Chapter 294: Tony: No Sex with Phillip

  Chapter 295: I Have to Admit

  Chapter 296: I Don’t Know What
I Am

  Chapter 297: Vanessa: Did I Just Say That?

  Chapter 298: Do I Really Mean That?

  Chapter 299: How Did Tony

  Chapter 300: Conner: What Tony Doesn’t Get

  Chapter 301: Secrets

  Chapter 302: I Never Expected

  Chapter 303: Tony: I’ve rd Confession

  Chapter 304: The Whole Rotten Truth

  Chapter 305: Actually, There Are Two

  Chapter 306: Vanessa: I’m Lying Here Shivering

  Chapter 307: I Wake, Thankful

  Chapter 308: Raven Quides Us

  Chapter 309: Conner: We Spend All Day

  Chapter 310: It’s a Shaky Ride

  Chapter 311: The First Surprise

  Chapter 312: Tony: The First Letter

  Chapter 313: It’s So New

  Chapter 314: I Start to Read

  Chapter 315: Vanessa: I Thought My Letter

  Chapter 316: Tony Sighs

  Chapter 317: Tony’s Kiss

  Chapter 318: Conner: Unbelievable

  Chapter 319: Same Old Mom

  Chapter 320: I Fold the Letter

  Chapter 321: Tony: I Swim Up into Morning

  Chapter 322: But Right Now

  Chapter 323: Both Halves Decide

  Chapter 324: Vanessa: Watching Raven

  Chapter 325: Since Sean’s Going Last

  Chapter 326: I Reach the Top

  Chapter 327: Conner: God, I’m Tired

  Chapter 328: Keep Going

  Chapter 329: Standing Here

  Chapter 330: Tony: Raven Screams

  Chapter 331: Raven Calls for Rescue

  Chapter 332: The “Rescue”

  Chapter 333: Vanessa: Care Flight Lifts Off

  Chapter 334: The Question

  Chapter 335: Camp Feels Empty

  PUBLISHER'S NOTE

  This ebook is best read at the smallest font setting on your device.

  Without Warning

  Sometimes

  your’re traveling

  a highway, the only road

  you’ve ever known,

  and wham! A semi

  comes from nowhere

  and rolls right over you.

  Sometimes

  you don’t wake up.

  But if you happen

  to, you know things

  will never be

  the same.

  Sometimes

  that’s not

  so bad.

  Sometimes

  lives intersect,

  no rhyme, no reason,

  except, perhaps,

  for a passing semi.

  Triad

  Three

  separate highways

  intersect at a place

  no reasonable person

  would ever want to go.

  Three

  lives that would have

  been cut short, if not