Glass - 02 Read online

walking

  the wrong

  direction in the fast

  lane of the freeway,

  waking

  from sweetest

  dreams to find yourself

  in the middle of a

  nightmare.

  You Know My Story

  Don’t you? All about

  my dive

  into the lair of the monster

  drug some people call crank.

  Crystal. Tina. Ice.

  How a summer visit

  to my dad sent me

  into

  the arms of a boy—a

  hot-bodied hunk, my

  very first love, who led

  me down the path to

  insanity.

  How I came home

  no longer

  Kristina Georgia

  Snow, gifted high

  school junior, total

  dweeb, and

  perfect

  daughter, but

  instead a stranger

  who called herself Bree.

  How, no matter

  how hard

  Kristina

  fought her, Bree

  was stronger, brighter,

  better equipped to deal

  with a world where

  everything moved at light

  speed, everyone mired

  in ego. Where “everyday”

  became

  another word

  for making love with

  the monster.

  It Wasn’t a Long Process

  I went to my dad’s in June, met Adam

  the very first day. It took some time

  to pry him from his girlfriend’s grasp.

  But within two weeks, he introduced

  me to the monster. One time was all

  it took to want more. It’s a roller-

  coaster ride. Catch the downhill

  thrill, you want to ride again,

  enough to endure the long,

  hard climb back up again.

  In days, I was hooked on

  Adam, tobacco, and meth,

  in no particular order. But

  all summer vacations must

  end. I had to come home to

  Reno. And all my new bad

  habits came with me. It was

  a hella speed bump, oh yeah.

  Until I hurt for it, I believed

  I could leave the crystal behind.

  But the crash-and-burn was more

  than I could take. When the jet landed,

  I was still buzzed from a good-bye binge.

  My family crowded round me at the airport,

  discussing summer plans and celebration dinners,

  and all I wanted to do was skip off for another snort.

  Mom kept trying to feed me. My stepfather, Scott, kept

  trying to ask questions about my visit with Dad. My

  big sister, Leigh, wanted to talk about her new girlfriend,

  and my little brother, Jake, kept going on about soccer.

  It didn’t take long to figure out I was in serious trouble.

  Not the Kind of Trouble

  You might think I’m

  talking about. I was pretty

  sure I could get away with

  B.S.ing Mom and Scott.

  I’d always been such a good

  girl, they wouldn’t make the

  jump to “bad” too quickly.

  Especially not if I stayed cool.

  I wasn’t worried about

  getting busted at school

  or on the street. I’d only just

  begun my walk with the monster.

  I still had meat on my bones,

  the teeth still looked good.

  I didn’t stutter yet. My mouth

  could still keep up with my brain.

  No, the main thing I worried

  about was how I could score

  there, at home. I’d never even

  experimented with pot, let alone

  meth. Where could I go?

  Who could I trust with my

  money, my secrets? I couldn’t

  ask Leigh. She was the prettiest

  lesbian you’ve ever seen. But

  to my knowledge she had

  never used anything stronger

  than a hearty glass of wine.

  Not Sarah, my best friend since

  fourth grade, or any of my

  old crowd, all of whom lived by

  the code of the D.A.R.E. pledge.

  I really didn’t need to worry,

  of course. All I had to do

  was leave things up to Bree,

  the goddess of persuasion.

  Before I Continue

  I just want to remind you

  that turning into Bree

  was a conscious decision

  on my part. I never really

  liked Kristina that much.

  Oh, some things about her

  were pretty cool—how she

  was loyal to her family

  and friends. How she loved

  easily. How she was good

  at any and all things artistic.

  But she was such a brain,

  with no sense of fashion

  or any idea how to have fun.

  So when fun presented

  itself, I decided someone

  new would have to take charge.

  That someone was Bree.

  I chose her name (not sure where

  I got it), chose when to become her.

  What I didn’t expect was discovering

  she had always been there, inside of me.

  How could Kristina and Bree

  live inside of one person?

  How could two such different halves

  make up the whole of me?

  How could Bree have possibly survived,

  stuck in Kristina’s daily existence?

  The Funny Thing Was

  Bree solved the meth dilemma on a family

  trip to Wild Waters, Scott’s annual

  company picnic. Sarah came

  along to spend time with

  Kristina. But Bree

  had other things

  in mind.

  The first was

  a truly gorgeous

  lifeguard. Turned out

  Brendan wasn’t so pretty

  on the inside, but even Bree, who

  thrived on intuition, was clueless. Hard

  on the make, Brendan shared booze, cigarettes.

  But one guy wasn’t quite enough. I

  also ran into Chase Wagner that

  day. His outside wasn’t as

  attractive, but inside he

  was fine. Of course,

  I didn’ t know

  that yet.

  I found out

  soon enough that

  both Chase and Brendan

  knew the score—and both

  were interested in me. Brendan

  only wanted sex; Chase offered love.

  Either way, I had my path to the monster.

  Later, I discovered that Robyn, my

  old friend Trent’s sister (not to

  mention an “in” cheerleader),

  tweaked to stay thin

  and “pep up.” She

  taught me how

  to smoke it.

  It didn’t take

  long to immerse

  myself in the lifestyle,

  Didn’t take long for school

  to go to shit; for friendships and

  dedication to family to falter. Didn’t

  take long to become a slave to the monster.

  My Mom and Stepfather

  Tried to stop me before

  it all went completely wrong.

  Kristina spent almost a whole

  year GUFN—grounded

  until further notice.

  But Bree was really good

  at prying open windows

  at night, ly
ing with a straight

  face, denying she had

  slipped so far downhill.

  Nothing slowed me down.

  Not losing my virginity

  to Brendan’s rape. Not

  spending a few days

  in juvenile hall.

  The only thing that kept

  me sane was Chase’s love,

  despite all I put him through.

  He even swore to love me

  when I told him I was pregnant.

  Pregnant. And Brendan

  was the father. Bree considered

  abortion. Exorcism. Kristina

  understood the baby was not

  the demon. His father was.

  But you know this part

  of the story. You followed

  me on my journey through

  the monster’s territory.

  We wound up here.

  Who am I now, three

  months after I left you,

  standing on the deck

  with me, listening to my

  new baby, crying inside?

  I told you then, the monster

  is a way of life, one it’s

  difficult to leave behind,

  no matter how hard you try.

  I have tried, really I have.

  Maybe if Chase had stayed

  with me, instead of running

  off to California, in search

  of his dreams. Then again,

  I told him to go.

  Maybe if I had dreams

  of my own to run off in

  search of. I did once.

  But now I have no plans

  for a perfect tomorrow.

  All I have is today.

  T for Today

  I’d really like to tell you I have a nice little place with

  a white picket fence, flowers in the garden, and Winnie-

  the-Pooh, Eeyore, and Tigger, too, on baby blue nursery

  walls. I’d like to inform you that I am on a fast track to

  a college degree and a career in computer animation—

  something I’ve aimed for, ever since I found out I could

  draw. I’d love to let

  you know I left the

  monster screaming

  in my dust, shut my

  ears, scrambled back

  to my family, back to

  my baby, my heart. I

  could tell you those

  things, but they’d be

  lies—nothing new for

  me, true. But if all I

  wrote was lies, you

  wouldn’t really know

  my story. I want you

  to know. Not a day

  passes when I don’t

  think about getting

  high. Strung. Getting

  out of this deep well

  of monotony I’m

  slowly drowning in.

  I Was a Junior

  When I had Hunter,

  a semester away from

  early graduation and a hell

  of a lot farther than that

  away from independence.

  To find freedom that even

  the magic number eighteen

  can’t buy, I need

  a job. To get that, I need

  a diploma, or at least a GED.

  I have no choice but to live

  at home, under the prying

  eyes of my mom and Scott.

  I’ll help watch the baby

  until you finish school,

  is Mom’s deal. If you go on to

  college, the two of you

  can stay as long as you like.

  It’s a pretty good arrangement,

  mostly because I know jack

  about babies. Mom’s expertise

  comes in handy, especially

  in the middle of the night.

  More than once, she has shaken

  me awake. Hunter’s crying.

  I’ll change him. You feed him.

  Who knew babies could

  be so obnoxious, wanting

  to eat at all hours, that is?

  Most of the time, my nipples

  feel like puppy chew toys.

  Breast-feeding isn’t easy. But you

  want to give him a good start.

  A good, healthy start. I know

  that, of course, and figure

  I owe him at least that much.

  Still, I wake up every morning

  exhausted, wondering

  how I can make it through

  the day, let alone how I’ll

  manage to study for my GED.

  I try to avoid mirrors. I gained

  forty pounds with my pregnancy,

  and Hunter only weighed in at

  seven pounds, eleven ounces.

  Minus placenta, water, etcetera,

  that leaves about twenty pounds

  of belly flab, jelly thighs,

  and chipmunk cheeks I need

  to lose before feeling positive

  about how I look again.

  And until I do that, I know

  I’ll never find someone new to love.

  So Maybe It Will Come

  As no surprise to you that lately

  I have been hearing the plea

  of the monster, distant

  at first but creeping closer.

  Louder. Come back to me,

  Kristina. Hurry back, Bree.

  I closed my ears for a long

  while, pleaded with it to please

  shut up, please go away,

  please leave me alone.

  But I’m starting to come

  around. Maybe a short

  (and I mean no long-term

  commitments!) stroll

  with the monster might

  slim me down, rev me up

  and offer the impetus to slip

  into my future, better equipped

  to deal with the mindless

  tedium that is my life.

  I Know

  I should resist.

  Turn

  away.

  Walk

  away.

  Run

  away,

  far

  away,

  so far

  the monster will

  never

  find me, never

  sniff

  me out,

  never

  dare

  touch

  me,

  never

  pretend to

  hear

  my meager complaints,

  never

  get even the slightest

  taste

  of the fear in my heart,

  never

  force me to

  see

  what I’m afraid to see.

  But Suddenly

  Without

  a doubt

  I understand

  the monster

  and I are more

  than friends.

  We’re blood

  brothers.

  Or maybe

  blood sisters.

  (Is there

  such a thing?

  And does

  that mean

  I should

  include Bree?)

  That is

  a forever

  kind of thing.

  Forever.

  All I need

  to do is

  find a way

  for the two

  of us

  [no, most

  definitely that’s

  three of us,

  including

  me, Bree]

  to hook

  up again.

  You Have to Remember

  It has been months since

  I’ve been out looking to

  score.

  Chase is gone, Brendan

  person non grata, my

  Mexican Mafia

  connect

  a thing of the past.
<
br />   Only one person comes

  to mind, and Robyn

  just might be hard to

  find,

  away at college in

  California. And even

  if I can locate my old

  party

  pal, how will I ever

  make it over the mountain

  to the Golden State? I used

  to have plenty of

  friends,

  friends who could give

  me rides. No more, and my

  own wheels are in for a major

  overhaul. I can’t borrow

  Mom’s car to hunt down

  whiff.

  Can I?

  I Call Trent

  Robyn’s brother is an old

  friend. In fact, that’s how

  I know Robyn. Trent’s great,

  even if he is totally straight.

  Meaning he doesn’t get high.

  Because when it comes to sex,

  he’s 100 hundred percent gay.

  And I’m fine with things that way.

  Mrs. Rosselli answers on

  the third ring. Hello? Oh, it’s

  you. Her voice is like a hail

  storm—hard, staccato, frigid.

  “Hello, Mrs. Rosselli.

  Is Trent there? No?

  Well, do you know

  when he’ll get home, then?”